


Feel the same way, as in...?

by EmyLilas



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/F, NCIS 16x23, after the talk in Jack's office when she used the pronoun "they", but I love the idea of Jack and Izzy so..., they was probably for Gibbs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-19 05:09:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29745489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmyLilas/pseuds/EmyLilas
Summary: My version of what could have happened after Grace and Jack had that talk about the mysterious person Jack wanted "to open up to the most". She finds the courage to go and confess her feelings to her long time friend but it is definitely not an easy thing to do.
Relationships: Jacqueline "Jack" Sloane & Grace Confalone, Jacqueline "Jack" Sloane/Isabel Monet
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	Feel the same way, as in...?

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I posted a fic because it's been a while since I last had time and motivation to write. But last night I had that weird dream about Jack's last episode (happening in the technology room of my old middle school, I'm sure Freud would have a lot of things to discuss about that) and it gave me what I needed to get back into writing. At least, for now, at least about Izzy and Jack because I'm still rooting for the pair and now that Jack is leaving, I see no reason not to (it's not like I did see a reason not to before, anyway).
> 
> English isn't my first language so I apologize for any mistake.  
> Hope you'll enjoy that little one.

"There's no one I can talk to," Jack had been keeping that thought in her mind for weeks but saying it out loud hit differently. It made it real, even sadder. Saying it to someone else, she couldn’t keep ignoring it. She couldn’t keep pretending everything was all fine. The lies were no longer an option and facing the truth wasn’t always easy. Jack knew that. She knew that by heart.

"I can't talk to my daughter, at all," Grace noticed the emphasis on the last part of her sentence and she knew Jack was blaming herself for having tried to move things too quickly, "can't open up to my friends," Jack only kept realising how lonely she was feeling by listing all the things she couldn’t do. She felt as if she was being held captive in her own mind with no one to open up to, not because she had no one around, she knew she was being surrounded but because she didn’t know how to stop being lonely. She was feeling trapped and the thought of not getting out of it was terrifying.

"And the one person that I want to open up to the most," she paused for a brief second, looking for the right words, knowing there wasn't one good way to admit it, to herself or to Grace, "I'm not sure they feel the same way I do, so…" Jack sadly offered a smile to Grace, her sorrow reflecting on the way her lips writhed, her loneliness clouding her brown eyes.

Grace's curiosity was piqued but she was meant to stay professional. She wasn't talking to Jacqueline Sloane, her fellow psychologist or friend. She was talking to a patient. "Feel the same way," she quoted, "as in…" her sentence vanished as she dragged it hoping Jack would answer the informal question.

Jack blushed: "you sure you don't wanna grab that drink?"

Grace shook her head. Gibbs had made her drink enough for the rest of her week. And it wouldn't be professional, having a drink with her patient even if she had to admit the line was blurr between Sloane the patient and Jacqueline the friend. "How does it feel, saying it out loud?"

Jack's self depreciation laugh took her by surprise: "I feel even more miserable now and believe me when I say it's not nothing…"

Jack stayed silent for a moment. Grace had known her long enough to understand it was best to give her some space. She didn't move an inch on the couch they were both sitting on, trying to help Jack forget about her presence in the room. As Jack was trying to calm her mind, Grace couldn't help but wonder who Jack had been talking about. She had heard rumours about Jack and Gibbs possibly having _a thing_ as agent Torres had said to Agent Bishop one day she had bumped into them in the lobby on her way to meet with Vance. After that, she had paid attention to her friends' relationship. The only thing she could assume for sure was that they both meant a lot to the other and that Jack had come closer to Gibbs in a short time than anyone else she had ever known. She knew they shared a strong connection through their past. Both knew the horror of a war. Both knew the pain of losing a daughter. Both had been hurt enough for a lifetime. 

Was it more than friendship? She couldn't say. Had it been more, why wouldn't have Jack referred to that mysterious person with a _he_ pronoun? 

Grace frowned. Perhaps Jack was trying to keep it a secret. She knew just how mysterious Jack was so it wasn't absurd to be rooting for that explanation. But something wasn't quite right. Something was troubling Grace about what Jack had just said. She tried to put aside the identity of that “ _they_ ” for a minute in order to find out what seemed like a problem to her.

"When you say you can't open up to your friends," Grace tried asking, finally understanding what was troubling her.

But Jack didn't let her talk her mind and waved her hand as if she was pushing away the underlying question: "I don't have friends in DC outside of work. It’s you, Gibbs, Leon, the team, Ducky… Sometimes I wish I had a life outside of work. Used to have one...” the shadow of regret crossed her face before Jack cleared her throat and put her walls up again: “I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to Ducky, even though I know he's a great confidant. Talking about confidant, Jimmy is apparently the one everyone goes to. But apart from you, Gibbs and Leon no one knows about my past. And Gibbs doesn't know everything. So it's only Leon and you, truly. I'm already talking to you about all this as my therapist, I'm not gonna burden my friend with it and before you say anything about it not being a burden for you to bear, I've made my mind about it. And Leon…"

Jack hadn't finished talking and Grace knew it. It wasn't like her to cut her patient's in the middle of a sentence but she knew Jack would never go to the point that was troubling her: "what about your friend from San Diego?"

By the look on Jack's face, Grace knew there was something more to the story than Jack was willing to share. She knew very little about this friend: they had been working together in San Diego for about ten years, very close friends, said friend was a field agent now working for the FBI who had first reconnected with Jack by using their friendship to serve their best interest. She knew nothing more. She didn't have a name, she didn't have any elements about their common history and yet Grace had known, the moment Jack had first mentioned that friend, that the friend was important. More than Jack could have possibly thought of at the time, because Jack had been terribly upset about the whole using-their-friendship-thing and yet Jack had also been smiling a lot more than usual, after her friend had let her the card with their new phone number and the promise to see Jack again soon. 

"We try to spend some time together again," Jack finally answered after a long time of being lost in her own thoughts as she was wondering why Grace was asking about Izzy.

Grace smiled, she had learnt to trust her instincts through the years and she just knew there was something about this friend. "And how is it going?"

Jack bit her lips, trying to find the right words to describe the current state of their relationship: "the way it always has," she said in a murmur, her voice hoarse with all the emotions she was feeling. 

Grace wrote down something in her notebook before asking again: "and how has it always been?" She wasn't surprised to see a smile break on Jack's lips. That friend seemed to cause that effect a lot and she suddenly wondered if the " _they_ " that had been mentioned earlier couldn't be that friend. 

Jack chuckled sadly. She didn't even know where to start to describe her relationship with Izzy. It had always been confused, perhaps she needed to start with that. When she told Grace, she was met with a smile that was inviting her to elaborate. 

Jack sighed: "we met when I came back from Afghanistan." 

Grace waited for Jack to keep talking but the blonde seemed lost in her memories. She couldn't tell if these memories were about her time in Afghanistan or about how she had met her friend. "Do you wish you had met at another time?"

Jack blinked, taken aback by the question. She needed to really think about this before answering. Of course it would have been easier meeting today, now that she was finally able to move on with her life. But their relationship wouldn't have been the same. Jack knew their link was more than just the numerous moments they had shared related to her time in Afghanistan but she also knew these moments had made their relationship special. She knew their relationship had helped her a lot more than she had ever admitted. 

"I don't," Jack finally answered. She anticipated Grace's next question: "I'm not a big fan of everything-happens-for-a-reason but… we wouldn't be where we are today if we hadn't met the moment we met." 

"And where are you both today?" Jack laughed, running a hand in her hair again. Grace knew it was what she always did when she was being nervous. "Don't answer this, answer that instead: why are you so confused about your friend?"

Jack offered a weak smile: "now I see why they all think psychologists can read minds. This is really disconcerting…" 

"I'm not reading into your mind. You're having a hard time finding your words, your whole attitude shows uncertainty, your answers are elusive. Either you don't wanna talk about your friend or you don't know how to consider your friend." 

Jack suddenly felt the need to avoid any eye contact, she could feel herself blushing: "you have me all figured out, haven't you?" 

"Is this friend the one you'd like to open up to the most?" Grace dared asking, knowing it was a bold move since it could suddenly make Jack shut down on herself. 

She took her time to answer. Her fingernails were pressed against her palms, her fists tightly clenched on her lap. She knew Grace could be trusted, not only as a psychologist but also as a friend. She also knew Grace would never judge her and not only because she had a strong work ethic. But Jack wasn't sure of anything. There wasn't one thing she could affirm, it was all doubts and assumptions and confused thoughts. And it was one thing to feel all that, to have it running all the time as a background task in her mind, but it definitely was another step to talk about it with someone else. But Jack knew it also was the only way she could ever stop being confused about it. And Grace was a great helper. 

"It's not easy, after so many years of friendship to realize your feelings for your friend might be a bit too strong…" Jack's self depreciation laugh made Grace feel sorry for her: she just wished her friend could go a bit easier on herself. 

"Some friendships are grounded with really strong feelings, it doesn't necessarily mean this person means more than a friend to you. And a friend is quite too general perhaps. It can be more than a friend but it doesn't…"

Jack shook her head: "I know all that, Grace." She looked down, her attention suddenly all directed at the floor: "and I also know I _want_ more than friendship." 

Grace smiled, closing her notebook: "then you aren't as confused as I thought."

Jack sadly smiled again: "I wish I weren't…" They both fell into a comfortable silence. Grace was observing Jack who was going over her memories with Izzy. "I couldn't sleep at night, when I came back. Never when I was alone, no more than a couple of hours when I wasn't. I couldn't really sleep either during the day. But Izzy…"

Grace arched an eyebrow as the name was finally revealed. She had heard someone mentioning the same name before and she was trying to remember who and when. Perhaps it could help. She was certain it was Leon. If only she could remember what he had told…

Jack cleared her throat, her voice was on the edge of breaking and she didn't want to break tonight. Not again: "we didn't get along at first. She was annoying. She still is, most of the time," a smile was now building on her lips at the mention of her friend, away from the memories of their heavy past. 

“How did you become friends then?” 

Jack opened her mouth, ready to share the story of her relationship with Izzy but closed it without speaking a word. It surprised herself to realise she wanted to keep these memories to herself, they meant a lot, even the most meaningless things mattered. “I don’t think I can,” she spoke softly, it had happened before, the words not coming out but always for sensitive matters. Izzy wasn’t a touchy subject. 

Grace offered a genuine smile and placed a hand on her friend’s shoulder: “it’s fine.” 

“I guess you’re wondering why I told you I’m feeling so damn lonely when truly I am far from being alone,” it didn’t surprise Grace that Jack was implicitly feeling the need to justify herself.

She shook her head: “being alone and feeling lonely are two different things, what matters is what you feel.”

“I know I am not alone,” Jack looked down at her clenched fists, “and I wish I could stop feeling like I am,” she stretched her fingers, not eager to have her nails digging too deeply in her skin, “but even with Izzy back, I don’t feel like we’re really… back together, if that makes any sense.”

And Grace knew. She knew something Jack wasn’t ready to acknowledge without a little bit of help: “does she know what your feelings are?”

If Jack's first impulse was to scream that no she didn’t and she could never know, she stayed silent and thought about it. There had been moments back to San Diego when she had thoughts the feelings were mutual. But none of them had ever acted on these assumed feelings, they had dated other people, always big failures, they had had a special bond, special gestures… She had thought that maybe but Jack had left, making peace with the idea that she would never know and needed to move on. 

She had started dating people again in DC but it had never worked out better than just fine. And then Izzy was standing in the bullpen. How could she move on when Izzy was back into her life? At first, she had thought she would just pretend Izzy wasn’t in DC. But the temptation had been too strong, she wanted to spend time with Izzy again. Surfing together had always been their thing but in DC they had had to find another activity and they still hadn’t found the one thing that would be _their_ thing from now on. But this quest had led to lots of weekends and free nights spending together. And all her hard work to push her feelings away had just been a distant memory, almost like it had never truly happened. For a while.

And on these nights together, Jack could swear that, sometimes… but not as much as during mornings. The mornings were always special. The first night they had shared a bed again had been when the two of them were too drunk to be able to walk without the other to balance the whole, no need to say the morning that followed had been tough. But after that night came an unspoken agreement that they would share the bed. And these sober mornings were special. On mornings, Izzy loved cuddling, barely awake. Sometimes, she asked Jack to read out loud for her. Izzy often insisted on having breakfast in bed on weekends. Jack always found it hard to leave Izzy’s side. They both enjoyed cooking together. Baking was another thing, Izzy always somehow happened to start a fight, with flour or melted chocolate most of the time. 

It was like they were having a little life together. Mornings with Izzy were her own little bubble. At least they were before Jack tried pushing Izzy away, again.

And sometimes she believed Izzy knew. And that she even wanted the same thing. That’s why she answered, uncertain: “I honestly couldn’t say.”

“One way to find out don’t you think?”

Jack sighed: “I wish it was this easy.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?” It was an honest question, from what she knew, Izzy and Jack had been friends for years, sticking together through the hardest times, she doubted feelings could possibly end whatever was between them.

“After all these years, I don’t know if what might be isn’t better than a no…” Jack flashed another sad smile, “what if she felt the same years ago but now she has moved on?”

Grace understood these fears but she couldn’t ignore her gut feeling: “do you know why she came to DC?”

“She said it was because she needed a change,” Jack repeated Izzy’s words that she hadn’t completely bought at the time.

“And you clearly don’t believe it’s the main reason…”

Jack tilted her head, chewing her lips, there was that glint in her eyes: “I believe there’s more to the story, cold winters aren’t exactly Izzy’s thing.”

“Neither are yours,” Grace noticed with a smile.

Jack nodded: “and I came here for my daughter so, it’s true that sometimes…”

But as Grace understood Jack would never say the words out loud, she finished the sentence for her: “you can’t help but wonder if she came here for you.”

“Silly thought isn’t it?” And here it was again, the self depreciation tone. 

“Knowing you, I guess you already tried…”

Jack interrupted her friend with a nod: “Izzy knows me, I mean, she really knows me. She knows me personally and she knows the psychologist so, if she doesn’t want me to find out something, I never will. As long as she doesn’t lie to me, of course…” 

“Of course,” Grace echoed with a smile, “when are you seeing her again?” 

Jack’s smile vanished. Did Izzy even want to see her after a whole month of ignoring her?

***

She knocked on the door softly, almost as she didn't want her knock to be heard. And there truly was that part in her brain hoping she wouldn't answer the door, that Izzy wasn't home or too deeply asleep to hear the knock. Jack was feeling uncertain. It was a feeling she had been overwhelmed by a lot lately and she didn't like that, at all. She hated the way it was making her hands shake and despised the way it was making her nervously fidgeting on her feet. Jack feared Izzy would open the door. What was she going to tell her?

_Hey, I'm in love with you and I think I have been for quite a long time now. Sorry I’ve ghosted you, do you still want us to be friends or do you want me to kiss you?_

It was definitely not what Jack would say if Izzy were to answer the door. But Jack wasn't only afraid of not knowing what to say. Her voice was scaring her. Would she be able to keep her tone under control? Would her voice betray how uncertain she was? Would her nervosity make her stutter? 

Jack didn't knock on the door a second time and turned her heels. She wasn't ready for that conversation. She knew if she kept avoiding it, Izzy would find someone else. Perhaps it was for the best, as long as her friend was happy she would be fine with it. Whether she was the cause of her happiness or only a witness. But wouldn't she rather be the one making Izzy happy than the one watching from afar? 

Jack clenched her fists buried in the pockets of her coat as she felt a tear rolling down her cheek. She wouldn't have noticed she was crying without the cold air of the night striking her cheeks. She was almost back to the safety of her car when she heard her name being called, breaking the peacefulness of the night. Izzy shouted her name a second time, hoping the blonde would turn around and walk back to her. But Jack was standing still, frozen with fear, in the middle of the street, an inner fight beginning between herself and her old demons.

She startled as Izzy's hand grabbed her forearm.

"Come inside," her friend whispered, holding her thin night robe tightly around her but shivering nonetheless. She wasn't covered enough for such a cold air, Jack got that from a quick look. That's why she decided to do as she was asked and followed Izzy back inside. It was almost like her mind had stopped functioning and it seemed to Jack the only reason she had made it to the warm lobby was because Izzy hadn't let go of her hand, pulling Jack behind her until they were surrounded by the warmth of her place.

Izzy looked at Jack, concerned filling her blue eyes: "are you alright?" It was unusual for Jack to show up unannounced at her door late at night. Back to San Diego, Jack used to do that a lot, mostly because she was too drunk to notice the late hour, rarely because she couldn't stay alone. When Jack had come back from Afghanistan, Izzy had made sure she had never truly been alone, struggling to find a balance between giving her friend the space she was claiming to need and being there for her when the nightmares were striking. 

"Jack?" Izzy asked, her voice stifled with concern. She hadn't heard from Jack for the past month. After her twentieth call hadn’t been answered, Izzy had stopped insisting, careful not to pressure her friend. But now that Jack was standing in her hallway in the middle of the night, staring at the void in front of her, Izzy was starting to believe she should have insisted. She should have driven to her place. She should have come to her office. Something definitely happened, and again, she had let her down. 

But Jack was still silent. She was so close to her, Izzy's hand still holding hers and yet, the FBI agent knew Jack was far away from this place, lost in her thoughts. She had seen that distant look on her face before, she had seen that uncertainty dancing in her eyes before. Looking closely, Izzy at least felt relieved when she noticed the despair and pain that had once been dancing along with her uncertainty were not to be seen tonight.

"Please Jack, you really need to say something because I'm starting to freak out," Izzy tried to make it sound as she was joking but she wasn't. "Jackie Jack?" She tried the nickname that annoyed her so much. There wasn't an ounce of teasing in her tone, only concern. But neither the nickname nor the tone were enough to bring Jack back to her.

Izzy considered her options here. She had always kept Leon's number with her. All the time Jack and her had been distant, he had been her way to check on her friend. Izzy hoped he would never tell Jack because she was certain it would piss her off but she had just felt the need to make sure Jack was alright. Leon was probably a good call, they were working together, they were close friends, if anything bad had happened, he would know for sure.

She knew the famous Agent Gibbs was another close friend of Jack. Close to her in a way Leon wasn't. And Izzy knew it was the reason why she didn't like hearing from him, either it was coming from Jack or someone at the office. She tried not to pay attention to it too much, but the uneasiness she felt every time someone would mention the man left not much room for doubt. Now wasn't the time to think about all that. And anyway, she didn't have the man's number. 

"Izzy?" Jack asked with a shy tone, her voice hoarse from having been silent for the last couple of hours. She still wasn't looking at her friend but at least she was talking. Izzy nodded, softly squeezing Jack's hand to let her know she was here. 

"Can I stay here tonight?" Izzy felt like she had just been punched in the stomach, as the question threw her back ten years ago. It was the same unsure tone Jack had had after Afghanistan. But Jack didn't seem terrified as she did before. She didn't seem angry or burdened with pain. But Izzy knew this tone enough to understand Jack was feeling unsafe at the moment. 

"Of course," she answered without hesitation, "of course Jack," she repeated a bit louder this time. She would have wanted to add that of course she could stay here, for as long as she needed, she could come back every time she needed it, always and without a doubt, she could come to her. But Izzy swallowed her words back and stepped aside, gesturing towards the living room. 

"And tomorrow morning," Jack spoke again, with that same distant voice, her eyes still lost in the emptiness surrounding her, "we'll talk."

Izzy frowned. When she finally managed to put some sense in what had just happened, Izzy tried asking for more but Jack had already made her way upstairs. 

"Tomorrow then," she whispered to herself.

***

"How long are we still gonna pretend we're sleeping?" Izzy asked when the first lights of morning started to invade the darkness of her bedroom.

"Could we also pretend last night didn't happen?" Jack asked in a muffled whisper. She had never felt this embarrassed with Izzy before. And they had done very embarrassing things together. 

"Absolutely not," Izzy said a bit too loud, causing Jack to groan, "were you drunk?"

The blonde closed her eyes and sighed, her back still turned to Izzy: "I wish I could use alcohol as an excuse but unfortunately no. It was just me being a complete freak…"

"You don't need excuses with me," Izzy tried to reach out for Jack's hand but the moment her hand hovered over Jack's hip she felt her tense. She assumed it was a manifestation of her embarrassment but she couldn't help taking it for herself. She withdrew her hand in the second. "You weren't a freak," she finally added, "but can we talk about it now?"

Jack kept her eyes closed, strongly pressing her eyelids together as if she was waiting for the darkness to swallow her. But nothing happened and she was well aware of Izzy, lying in bed next to her. She knew her friend hadn't gotten any sleep. Just like she hadn’t. But she felt guilty, Izzy would have slept just fine hadn't it been for her showing up at her door only to stay silent. 

"I'm sorry I scared you," Jack spoke, focusing on keeping her voice under control. After what had happened last night, she couldn't break now.

Izzy's sigh surprised her: "more than a decade of friendship and you think that's what I'm stuck on?" She heard her friend shift behind her, she had probably sat up. "I just want to know if you're okay. Did something bad happen? You know I'm here right?"

It took a moment for Jack to decide what to do. She still wasn't quite sure when she shifted, laying on her back. Her eyes, staring at the ceiling, were still avoiding Izzy but at least she wasn't turning her back at her anymore.

"I'm seeing a therapist again," Jack confessed with such a low voice she wasn't sure Izzy had heard. 

Jack closed her eyes when she felt Izzy's hand sneaking against her side to grab her hand: "does it help?"

Jack shrugged: "depends," she knew Izzy would never judge her, she had been by her side after Afghanistan, she knew a lot more than Jack wished she did, "it usually does, yes."

She heard the smile in Izzy's voice when she spoke: "good," and it brought a small smile to her lips to know her friend was smiling for her, "I'm glad it does."

Jack took a deep breath: "I'm sorry you know? I really am."

Izzy shook her head: "don't be."

"I'm not talking about last night," it wasn't easy to come to it 

"Oh," Izzy whispered as she understood.

"You were there all along and you were an amazing friend. You were supportive, patient, caring. You accepted the fact you couldn't ease the pain. You knew I would be a burden and…"

"You've never been a burden to me, Jacqueline," Izzy cut her, squeezing her hand a bit too strongly. She needed Jack to understand how much she meant these words. 

It was rare for Izzy to use her name. But Jack needed to keep going: "but you stayed. I tried to push you away and you stayed. You came looking for me when I was being kicked out of bars. You stayed with me at nights even when I was being horrible to you," Jack closed her eyes as painful memories were rushing back to her mind.

"You were in pain, Jack, I knew it."

"I took it out on you," Jack whispered, "it wasn't fair."

Izzy shifted, facing Jack. She brought a hand to her cheek: "none of it was fair," she pressed her palm against the wet cheek of her friend, "you coped the way you knew how, it was hard as fuck but you came back from hell. You did it, Jack."

Jack covered Izzy's hand with hers, holding her against her cheek: "you took me back from hell."

She was surprised to hear Izzy's soft laugh: "no Jack, you did it by yourself. You are the strongest and bravest woman I've ever met and I can assure you all the hard time we have had together is behind us."

Of course Izzy's smile was contagious. But there were other things she needed to tell her: "I also wanted to thank you. You didn't treat me like I was broken. You teased me, you put me back on a board, you took me surfing where no one could see us, you didn’t even flinch when you first saw my scars, you made me laugh, you treated me like a friend. Not like a broken human you had promised yourself you’d fix."

Although Izzy was feeling overwhelmed by the situation, she knew she couldn't let this unanswered. She answered with the only way she knew how to deal with emotions, she used humour: "well you know me, teasing you is my favourite hobby," Izzy smiled when she noticed the smile on Jack's lips. Tears were no longer running down her hand. "Is this why you came last night?" 

Jack softly shook her head: "I don't know why I've suddenly felt the need to tell you that," she chuckled, trying to hide her embarrassment.

"I'm glad you did," Izzy whispered, leaning in to drop a kiss on Jack's forehead. "Is it my turn to tell you things?"

Jack considered it for a short second. Izzy was giving her a way out. She could take it and go back to a safer place. But she was done with playing safe. Suddenly, she felt ready to have this talk. "Can you wait just a bit more?"

She didn't miss the way Izzy frowned, not because she was annoyed Jack was asking her to wait, just because she was scared there was something else coming and that this something else was bad. Izzy nodded, her hand dropping from Jack's cheek to rest on her shoulder.

"Alright," Jack cleared her throat, her palms were sweaty, her heart was racing. Now was the time. "Before coming to your place last night, I had a conversation with my therapist." She paused, trying to find the right words. Izzy nodded, silently asking her to keep talking. Jack could feel Izzy's fingers fidgeting with the fabric of her top.

"And she pointed out something I had been ignoring for quite a long time," Jack felt her voice becoming less certain, "about you." 

The bomb was dropped. Now she couldn't backpedal. There was no way out. She had to tell Izzy. Jack could only think of three ways for this to end : either Izzy felt the same and she could start breathing again, either Izzy didn't feel the same but their friendship was strong enough to handle the confession, or, worst scenario, Izzy didn't feel the same and pushed her away. 

"I'm all about giving you time to find your words and all but please Jack, my heart's about to explode right now, I need more information," Izzy said very quickly, almost begging.

Jack bit her lips: "but I'm scared."

Izzy smiled. It wasn't a happy smile. It was a nervous one: "right, me too."

"Why?"

Jack couldn't hold back her giggle as Izzy groaned: "can you put the shrink mode on hold and just spill it out?" But as Jack only stared back at her without a word, Izzy rolled her eyes: "fine," she knew the only way to have Jack talking was to answer her questions, "I may be a bit nervous," she mentally laughed at herself, she had never used such an euphemism before, "because I may be…" and here she was, unable to find her words, "you know?" 

Izzy was expecting Jack to roll her eyes at her, to tell her that no, she didn't, and that it was actually what she was asking. But Jack surprised her when she whispered: "yes, I think I do."

"How does it end?" Izzy suddenly asked, fear drowning her blue eyes. Jack sighed. If only she could know. "I mean, in your head, how does it end?"

Jack shook her head. She couldn't tell her it ended with a kiss. She couldn't tell her it ended with Izzy admitting she felt the same. She couldn't tell her it ended with them never being alone again. Izzy didn't press. She knew how hard it was to open up. 

"Have you talked about your obsession with Bodhi to your therapist?" Izzy teased, trying to come back to the therapist thing, hoping Jack would tell her some more.

"I'm trying to be serious here, Isabel," Jack scolded but her soft smile was giving her away, "I was…" the gentle squeeze on her shoulder helped finding the courage to say it out loud again, "I was telling her about how lonely I was."

"Am I nothing to you?" Izzy asked, humor in her tone as she was suddenly poutting, puffing her cheeks.

"That I felt lonely because I couldn't open up to anyone," Jack tried her best avoiding Izzy's eyes, she could see how her words were affecting her long time friend and she couldn't handle the hurt she would see on her face, "that I felt lonely because I couldn't open up to you."

She knew her words were heavy. She saw how they hit Izzy. Hard. "But you can open up to me," Izzy murmured, not trusting her voice to be louder without breaking. She didn't like the way this conversation was going. She had thought Jack and her were doing better. Had she failed her friend this much? The thought made her heart ache and she suddenly felt a bit nauseous.

"I know."

"Then why?" Izzy didn't understand. And the hurt in her tone caused Jack to close her eyes. One last step. One last confession and Izzy would know. 

She felt as if she was on the edge of a cliff, ready to throw herself in the void. There was one more step to take. "My exact words to her were,” she took a deep breath, trying to stop her mind for considering the end of this talk, “the person I want to open up to the most, I'm not sure they feel the same way I do," the step had been taken and Jack was falling without strings.

"Feel the same way as in…?" Izzy asked, a lump building in her throat.

It appeared as a pause in her fall as Jack laughed. Both of them knew it was only because she was nervous. "My therapist asked exactly the same thing."

"Good for her," Izzy answered, her patience wearing thin, "for a psychologist you suck with words," she groaned before taking a deep breath. Her heart was beating so fast it was pounding in her empty stomach, she could swear it had dropped there.

"Do you?" Jack abruptly asked. Izzy was right, they had lost enough time, she needed to pick more obvious words.

"Suck with words?" Izzy's eyebrows shot up quizzically.

Jack stared, incredulous: "have you lost your brain along the way?"

"You're the one who's not being clear!" It only sounded like a reproach because Izzy was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 

Jack took another long breath. She had had parachute jump training back in the army. She remembered the way it made her heart race. She was feeling just the same and the longer she waited, the more she dreaded the landing. Would it be a crash?

"Do you feel the same way I do?" 

Izzy threw her hands in the air, startling Jack who truly hadn't been expecting such energy after a sleepless and emotional night: "how the hell am I supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell me?" 

She knew Izzy's irritation was only due to the stress she was feeling and she truly couldn't blame her, had the role been reversed, Jack would have already exploded. Jack sat up, facing Izzy. She could see how her friend’s eyes were narrowed in nervosity and frustration. She had thought her previous words were the last step. She couldn’t have been more wrong. 

_This_ was the last step.

Jack leaned in but, much to her surprise, Izzy closed the distance between them and crashed her lips against hers. 

"Couldn't wait any longer," the FBI agent murmured against her lips, "you were killing me."

Jack made her stop talking by deepening the kiss. Her hands tangled in her messy hair, she held Izzy against her lips. 

"I guess you do," Jack's smirk broke the kiss for a short time. She slowly started nibbling Izzy's bottom lip.

"What?" Jack heard the word in Izzy's moaning.

"Feel the same way I do," she whispered, breaking the kiss another time. She smiled as Izzy groaned with discontent and pressed her forehead against Izzy's.

“You could have just knocked at the door and told me you love me you know,” Izzy mumbled as a smile was spreading on her lips at the realisation of what had just happened, “same outcome, less stressful way.”

Jack brushed Izzy’s nose with hers: “wouldn’t have been half as fun.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! As usual, it's always nice to know what you thought of it so if you have time ;)


End file.
